Sunday, February 07, 2010
I know there are many emotional eaters in the world.My own mother and daughter are two women who turned to food as gratification too. My mother, long dead is looking at me in my own mirror now. She and I are meeting at the place where she left off, and my marriage is just as passionless as hers used to be. Ah, such is the way of history repeating itself. My daughter was the me of 22 years ago, trying to take some control of her life, and having a difficult time feeling supported by anyone else. She has no man in her life, never really has, and so she feels bereft of any emotional support. Life is funny that way.
I already know I have these issues, but somehow they have been staved off for a few months. Today the gremlin came back to haunt me, and although I did not overindulge, I am down to 12 points in my point "bank", you know...the extra ones we get each week on Weight Watchers. I also work three jobs, go to school full time and have a new sassy little puppy. And I have a dog who is dying of cancer. There is much on my plate, but I have been through worse, and will probably be through worse again, some other day.
The real issue is I tend to borrow on borrowed time, borrowed points, borrowed monies, borrowed life. I am working on a third masters, and would like to get a PhD, but my student loans are so astronomical that I do not have any funds to borrow even if I did get accepted to a PhD program. It is not that I "need" the degree, it is that I enjoy the learning, like I enjoy chips and carbs and traveling. It is a part of me and my life feels useless without them. I have gotten over the carb cravings and am not stocking chips or junk food in my house anymore. I am not a drinker, or a drug addict or a smoker. I am just a fifty something woman who wants to understand why she never is full. There is nothing that fills me completely, no matter how hard I try to figure it all out. I am frustrated and tired. I lack something. I need something that will be the one thing that takes care of everything else. And I think I am afraid I will never find it. I think I am worried I will die without finding the magic still in me.